Week 737: No River, No Woods

Saturday, October 27, 2007

So it's Oct. 27 -- and you've already heard a Christmas carol this year, right? Aside from the marketing tie-ins, a major reason for the premature delivery of "The First Noel" to elevator speakers is that there are hardly any good songs for the holidays that occur during the rest of the year. Fast-Track Loser Kevin Dopart suggests we come to the rescue: This week: Send us a funny parody of a well-known song, with lyrics that commemorate an occasion other than Christmas or Hanukkah. The results will appear on Thanksgiving weekend.

Ye winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a set of large Slang Flashcards, which helpfully define and illustrate such terms as "crunk" and "tap": Sample sentence: "What say we take some crunk pictures when we tap tonight?" You'll be speaking slang in no time with these helpful aids. Donated by crunk Loser 4 Ever Elden Carnahan of Laurel.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 5. Put "Week 737" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Nov. 24. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by David Smith of Santa Cruz, Calif.; this week's Honorable Mentions name is by Anne Paris of Arlington.

Report From Week 733

in which we asked you to create a word by dropping the first letter of an existing word, and then supply a definition. Submitted frequently among the 4,000 entries were "rankfurter" (hot dog from the back of the refrigerator), "pectacular" (unbelievably chesty), "Assachusetts" (where Ted Kennedy comes from, etc.) and Hardonnay (you can guess).

4.Ouchdown: Joe Theismann's last play. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

3. Mnesia: Forgetting a mnemonic device. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

2. the winner of the No Plot? No Problem! Novel Writing Kit: Riskies: Chinese-made cat food. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

And the Winner of the Inker

Riminal: A man who doesn't clean up his toilet dribble. (Deanna Busick, Knoxville, Tenn.)

Lose, but No Cigar

Amburger: my realization about myself as I'm kidnapped by cannibals. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Amished: Hungering for a simpler way of life. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)

Ammogram: A loaded message. (Dianne Thomas, Fairfax)

Aspberries: Snake doots. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Assover: Any holiday dinner at which an unwanted in-law makes an appearance. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Atheter: An even worth medical applianth. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Bacus: A simple device to count the number of alcoholic beverages consumed by your designated driver (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke)

Bracadabra: A really good boob job. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Brupt: Really, really sudden. (Fil Feit, Annandale)

Egotiation: An I for an I. (Chris Doyle, sent from Hong Kong)

Eminar: Eminem's fifth child. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Ental breakdown: When Fangorn starts crazily shedding all his leaves and losing his bark. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Etard: A person who constantly replies to all in e-mails directed to only one person. (Jeffrey Scharf)

Gonize: To kick someone in the groin. "I'd like to gonize the idiot who moved the Invitational to Saturday." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Hick-Fil-A: A squirrel that tried to cross the road. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

Ho's Who: National registry of prominent hookers. (Chris Doyle)

Iarrhea: Running on about oneself. (Jack Held)

Ickled: How you feel when your creepy uncle touches you with his fingertips. (Carson Miller, Newark, Del.)

Ickpocket: A place to put your used Kleenex. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Idwife: Every guy's dream. (Kevin Dopart)

Irates: After 15 consecutive losing seasons, what's left of Pittsburgh 's fans. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

Itchhiking: Chasing a tingle from toes to tushy. (Susan Collins, Charlottesville)

Kin-diving: Incest. (Tom Witte)

Ngland: Vietnam. (Michael Fransella, Arlington)

Nowplow: An entirely fictitious device for D.C. residents. (Brendan Beary)

Ococo: Chanel's frilly style before she came out with the simple black dress. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)

Omenclature: The Homeland Security threat-level warning system. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)

Ompadre: A Buddhist monk. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Onagenarian: An old hand at stress relief. (George Vary, Bethesda)

Ooperstown: Home of the Bill Buckner Hall of Fame. (Ed Gordon, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Oreplay: Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft. (Chris Doyle; Tom Witte)

Orgy-and-Bess: The Secret Truman Memoirs. (Chris Doyle)

Ouch-and-go: A dominatrix's house call. (Kevin Dopart)

Oxtrot: A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance. (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

P-portunity: Rest stop. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Rackdown: the inevitable result of the battle between breast and gravity. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Ubergine: An enormous eggplant. (Ken April, Arlington)

Unich: German city voted World's Safest Town for Women. (Jeff Brechlin)

Urotrash: Cigarette butts used for target practice in the men's room. (Brendan Beary)

Urple: The color of vomit. "For feeding the baby, Mom always wore her urple sweatshirt." (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)

XY-moron: A man. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Anti-Invitational (add a letter to the front of a word): Shysterectomy: Disbarment. (Peter Metrinko)

And Last:

NV-itational: A contest that seeks to frustrate by accepting entries from thousands but rewarding only a small group of toadying favorites who obviously have nothing better to do with their time. I don't want your stupid prize anyway. It looks stupid. (Peter Ostrander, Rockville)

Next Week: Turnaround Time, or Total Inanity Lives!